You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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