I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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