It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
