My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
