did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
