I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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