So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
