I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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