I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
