He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
