i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
