I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Are my feet made of real feet?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
