Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
3pm strippers are depressing
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
