I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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