have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
