The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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