Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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