He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
