Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
