was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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