and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
