One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
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i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
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Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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