The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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