forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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