i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Couch. On fire.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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