The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
