bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
