Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
