Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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