We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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