Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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