omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
