Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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