Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I believe in your delicious
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
