How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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