I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
