i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
