Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
