We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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