I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
