3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
