I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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