Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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