Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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