I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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