The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
