I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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