i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
