I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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