So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
