I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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