I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
