God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I pour the whiskey from now on
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
