How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
