"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Randomize
