he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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